Thursday, June 24, 2010

Baby sister had it easy

What i can't figure and all of my sisters, we all came from the same mother and father, we were all raised together, we all endured horrible abuse in many different forms. I personally would think, that all of us would have great sympathy for one another and would want to bond together to try to heal from our upbringing. So...what i can't figure out, why, as adults, have some of us become so hateful, catty, and malicious toward one another? I would think, since we all had to go through it as children, that as adults, that it would bring us closer together, and instead, it has driven all of us further apart. And the ones of us that fight the hardest to "get well", are the ones of us that are considered "crazy" by the rest of the family.

I have never been in denial about how f***** up i am, or how f***** up our family was growing up. I have always been truthful when it came to admitting my faults, weaknesses, etc. And yet, i am the main one that the others point their fingers at as "the troubled one".

So many things have happened over the years that have made me feel like i was losing my mind. I believe now, that the reason i felt that way most of the time, was because i knew, deep down inside, that what people were telling me to be the truth, and what the truth actually was, were very different from one another. And even though the people who "love" me were telling me how concerned they were for me, how much they loved me, and how much they wanted to help, their actions, were those of enemies. So i continued to feel crazy, because their actions and their words, never matched.

I am now learning that if someone truly loves you, you will feel loved, not disguist, betrayal, worthlessness, guilt or shame, but real love. I have always equated love with pain, but the truth is, love is unconditional, kind, forgiving, trusting, and beautiful, it is not pain.

One of my sisters mentioned one time, that since i was the baby in the family, that i had it easier than the rest of my sisters. That could not be further from the truth!

I was the only one left at home with my mother and father, after the rest of my sisters had moved out. That meant, there were no longer several of us to take the abuse out on, just me. I was the one who knew at the age of 11, that my father had a girlfriend, and was cheating on my mother. I knew this would crush my mother if she ever found out, so the 11 year old little girl, carried that with her, all day, every day.

I was the one there when the fight between mother and father got so heated, that with his bare fist, he punched the picture of Jesus hanging on the wall, shattered the glass everywhere, an said, "F*** Jesus Christ"! Then proceeded to take out, and load his 30/30 rifle, while my mother and i frantically tried to escape to the car. He then, came running out after us and proceeded to try to bust the car windows out with his boots and rifle before we could get away.

I was the one who was there the day my mother found out about the girlfriend, and loaded me up in the car with her to go to the local bar to confirm her suspicions, and she certainly did, she came out of the bar sobbing uncontrollably, i was there.

I was the one who was there when after a wonderful week of my mother and i staying with some of her friends, she took my father back, in beliefs that he had somehow magically changed in the past 7 days.

I was there the day she came in to wake me up for school, and instead, had me pack all of my clothes and stuffed animals into black garbage bags, so we could load up the car and drive back to Oklahoma, she had finally had enough.

I was there the day she got the phone call, about one week after we left my father. The call came from my grandmothers pastor, that my father had blown his girlfriends head off with his 30/30 rifle, and was going to prison for a very long time. As a matter of fact, i'm the one that answered the phone when that call came.

No one knew what was going on there when it was just the 3 of us, all of you had already escaped, and were living your own lives. No one will ever know the things i saw, and the things i endured, being the only child left at home.

So, tell me sister, do you still believe i had it easy?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

It's been awhile's been awhile since i have been on here, but i thought it was about time to get back on here.

So...i have almost six months clean, UNBELIEVABLE!! The longer i am clean, the more i realize how much my family hates the fact that i am succeeding, and wants me to fail miserably.

Since i left Oklahoma in January, the only member of my family that i have stayed in contact with is my mother, and of course, being the dysfunctional family that we are, i hear through her what is going on with my other family members. mother calls me last week to "remind" me that it is one of my sisters birthdays, and says my sister is going through a really hard time right now so i should call and tell her happy birthday. So, i ask her what kind of problems my sister is having and she says, "Well, she went to Phoenix to babysit for your other sister while her and her husband go on vacation, and she said the kids are just horrible and spoiled and they don't listen to a word she says, and she's there without her husband and daughter on her birthday, and to top it all off, she forgot to take her xanax with her, so you should really call and give her some support, she really needs it right now." Really?!! Are you freakin kidding me?! (Let me give you a tid bit of history here, and this might make more sense.) So...this particular sister has taken on the martyr roll in the family, always doing things and volunteering for things that she does not want to do, and absolutely hates, so that for the next 20 years, she can complain about it, and remind everyone how she always does everything for everybody, and no one ever appreciates her. The past several years she has gone out to Phoneix to babysit these same children, and every time she comes back and says, "Oh my God, those children are horrible, they are little monsters, i about had a nervous breakdown, and i will never do that again." Then next year rolls around, and she happily and willingly volenteers. This year when she agreed, she knew it was going to be the week of her birthday, she knew the rest of her family would not be there, and she knew that these kids are from hell, then she forgets to pack her xanax!! Boo freakin hoo!! How is this even remotely my freakin problem?!! The entire situation she was in was completely brought on by her, knowingly, and willingly, so she could say poor me, look how miserable i am because i'm such a good sister. When my mother told me this my jaw literally dropped, i could not believe she honestly thought this was a crisis situation! Who the hell was callin me, and giving me words of support and encouragment, as i'm trying to recover from 20 years of drug adiction, as i packed up my entire life and left everything and everyone i've ever known to try and start a new life?! Have i received on encouraging or positive call from these people, who call themselves my family, and say that they love me? HELL NO! But, God forbid my sister forgets her xanax on her birthday, so i need to call and support her??!!! Give me a F***** break!! Then, to top it all off, my mother calls me again the next day and says, "Did you call your sister for her birthday?" Of course, i said no, and she said, "Well, i didn't figure you would."

I guess the moral to this story is...the healthier i get, and the longer i am away from these people, the more i realize how truly sick they are. My mother continues to disrespect me and treat me like a child, and a drug addict, this is the very reason i could never stay clean around her, she treated me like a child and an addict, so that's what i was, and would never be anything more. Now that i am being treated like an equal human being, with rights, being trusted, being loved, and encouraged, i am becoming a trustworthy, loving, responsible adult. But it doesn't matter if i had ten years clean, that part of my family, will always treat me as they have my entire life, and they are all just on the edge of thier seats, waiting for me to screw up so they can feel "normal" again.

So sad that the people who are supposed to love you are the very people who wantyou to fail, so they can feel better about themselves.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

21 Types of Abuse

For anyone who is interested, here are the 21 different types of abuse, and their definitions:

1. Physical abuse-Any touch not given in love, respect or dignity...beating, biting, choking, grabbing, hitting, kicking, pinching, pulling hair, punching, pushing, restraining, scratching, shaking, shoving, slapping, excessive tickling, twisting arms, using weapons, spanking, smothering, holding head under water, tripping, commanding the dog to attack the partner.

2. Male Privilege-Treats partner like a servant; makes all the "big decisions" acts like "Master of the Castle."

3. Knowledge Abuse-Receives a limited amount of counseling and uses it against partner; uses knowledge of partners past against them (may even turn partner's own parents or family members against them, using information from the past.) Reads and listens to self-help books and tapes then uses the information to blame the partner for problems in the relationship; uses medical professional's comments or advice to blame partner for problems in the relationship; uses their higher level of education or intellect to abuse the partner (emotionally and/or verbally.)

4. Sexual Abuse-Demands bizarre or unwanted sexual acts; physically attacks sexual parts of partner's body; threatens to find another partner; forces sex/rape or marital rape; extremely jealous; looks at pornography; treats partner as a sex object; interrupts sleep for sex.

5. Humiliation-Criticizes; discounts partner's child care, housekeeping, cooking, or self-worth; forces partner to dress to please him; physically grabs partner in public; forces partner to eat things that she doesn't want; puts partner down, then demands sexual intimacy, uses hostile humor, publicly humiliates partner, moves frequently, requires partner to stay i the home.

6. Responsibility Abuse-Makes partner responsible for everything in life (i.e., bills, children, etc.) makes partner responsible for their life, makes others responsible for things they did wrong.

7. Medical Abuse-Meets someone with pre-existing medical issues then prevents them from getting their medical needs met; creates damage or injury that causes partner to have medical needs, then prevents them from getting those needs met; puts down, gets angry at, and denies the pain of the person with medical needs; has medical knowledge and uses it to hurt or kill someone through medicine or medical procedures; makes fun of partner for medical needs; puts down in public for medical needs; weight problem, or to not being able to respond properly because of medication; has affair because of partners medical neds.

8. Religious Abuse-Uses scripture and words like"submission" and "obey" to abuse; uses spiritual language; misuses position of power, leadership, or influence to further the selfish interest of someone other than the individual who needs help; uses spiritual intimidation, manipulation, or excessive disipline by abusing religious system and being legalistic, mind-controlling, religiously addictive, and authoritarian; manipulats through guilt, shame, and fear; misuses position of power; makes others live up to a "spiritual standard."

9. Using Children-Makes partner feel guilty; uses children to give messages; uses visitation rights as a way to harass; uses child suppoet as a leverage; children may experience physical abuse bygetting in the middle of an argument; children may be used to hold the relationship together; emotionally abuse both partner and children; children are often threatened, or partner is threatened and children are stuck in a tug of war; intinidates through looks, actions, gestures, tone of voice and cursing, causing fear in their partner and children; teenage children may be used to take responsibility for abusers finances, responsibilites, obligations, and feelings.

10. Isolation-Controls what is done, who is seen, who is talked to, or where to go; limits or listens to phone conversations; requires partner to use a pager; keeps partner away from their family; needs to know where partner is at all times; requires partner to be available at all times; leaves no means of transportation; does not allow partner to open mail; moves frquently; requires their partner to stay in the home.

11. Power-Denies basic rights; deprives of personal time;mandates duties; uses legal means to force power; controlling everything (the amount or temperature of bath water, what can be eaten, what clothes can be worn, length or style of hair.)

12. Stalking-Spies; follows to activities (store, church or work); exhibits extreme distrust and jealousy; makes persistent phone calls; writes messages (left on windshield, in mailbox, cards, letters); faxes; e-mails; writes graffiti; sends unwanted gifts; comes home at unexpected times; makes partner carry a pager; uses answering machine ndto monitor phone calls; installs surveillance systems and bugs phones.

13. Emotional Abuse-Any communication, admonition, reprimand, or reproof that does not uplift, edify, or bring conflict resolution...Puts down; name-calling; exhibits extremely controlling behavior; plays mind games; mentally coerces, affection is conditional;loss of identity.

14. Threats-Threatens to end the relationship; threatens to do harm emotionally or physically; threatens life (to kill a partner, friend, self, or children); threatens to take children; threatens to commit suicide; threatens to report to authorities after forcing partner to break the law (i.e., use of drugs, selling drugs, bounced checks, forged checks, use of someone elses credit card, stealing, defrauding welfare, social security, insurance, income tax, Medicare, SSI, disability); threatens to not financially support partner; threatens sexual assult.

15. Economic Abuse-Restricts employment; makes partner ask for money; gives an allowance; takes partner's earned money; makes partner account for every penny; interferes with partner's work (i.e., takes the car keys and hides them or refuses to let the abused use the car); does not pay the billls; hides or withholds financial resources; refuses to work and support the family.

16. Financial Abuse-Ruins partner's credit; puts cars, houses, recreational equipment, or property in his name only; spends partner's money; credit or savings to make them dependent; ruins children's credit; gets credit card in children's; uses partner's money and/or credit with or without their knowledge; spends partner's money instead of their own money on outings such as dinner, movies,sporting events, shopping, or personl use; spends the partner's savings to make them dependent on him.

17. Intimidation-Puts partner in fear by using things like looks, actions, gestures, loud voice, cursing or continual arguing; makes partner say what he wants them to say; forces partner to listen to him; forces partner to report to him.

18. Jealousy-Uses jealousy as a sign of love; controls what partner does, who they see, or who they talk to; controls when and where partner goes; refuses to let partner to join any activities outside of the home; drops in "just to watch"; isolates partner from friends and family; is possessive of partner in every area of their life.

19. Property Violence-Punches wallls; smashes things; destroys property; breaks down doors; pounds tables; abuses pets (kicks, throws, gets rid of, or kills.)

20. Verbal Abuse-Curses; accuses; name calls; uses past to control; manipulates; commits mental blackmail, makes unreasonable demands.

21. Silence-Uses silence as a weapon; cannot or will not communicate; lacks mechanisms to express emotions.

I truly hope this helps someone out there. It is sometimes difficult to define what abuse is when it is not blatant. And for those of us that were raised not knowing anything else but abuse, this may help you to start being more aware. I know for me, just having the knowledge is half the battle, because when i recognize it, i can begin to change it.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I Have Lived It

I don't get the whole "kool-aid" comment that someone left on my last blog. The reason i can say all of the things i do with 100% certainty, is because i have lived it for thirty four years. There is no book, manual,etc. that these things come from. I beleive my life experience is much more valid and certain than anything i could ever read or be taught.

I am also hearing people saying that they know addicts who come from loving, non-abusive homes. That just does not hapen people!! Addiction does not happen in a vaccum. Though it may not be blatant abuse, as mine was, it is still abuse. Just because you don't have a black eye or a broken arm, does not mean it is not abuse. But, i also understand that not every child who was abused grows up to be an addict. I am the youngest of five girls and i am the only drug addict, but i have one sister who is a religious fanatic, one who is a control freak and alcoholic, one who is so far in denial about anything and everything, that she has no idea who she is, and one sister who has had it just as bad as the rest of us, but for years has saught out the truth and asked questions and is doing everything in her power to heal, and she has done a hell of a good job! My point in all of this is that abuse manifests itself in many different forms, but since the addict in the family is the one with the most visible signs of abuse, everyone can point their fingers at them, as if they are the families main problem.

I took a class called "Life Skills" a little over a month ago, and one of the things we were taught is that there are 21 different kinds of abuse, and we as a society are used to being so dysfunctional and abusive, that more than half of these, an average person would not even recognize it as such. I think that most people truly beleive that if its not blatant physical, verbal or emotional or sexual abuse, that they come from a good loving family, and that is just not the case.

If anyone out there would like to see a copy of the 21 different kinds of abuse, and their definitions, i would love to share them, because i know it was certainly eye opening for me.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


I seriously don't even know where to begin. So, here goes..........

I have been reading all of these blogs from parents of addicts who are completely freakin clueless! Let me just tell you, as i have been in active addiction for twenty years, i have learned a few things, and these are things i know with 100% certainty to be true!

Addiction does not happen to a perfectly healthy person who has been raised in a loving, accepting, non-judgemental enviornment. No matter how much "peer pressure" one faces. If you take a child who has been raised in a healthy and loving enviornment and offer them drugs, they will not want to try them or take them, because they feel comfortable and confident in who they are and they do not need to try and escape the pain and misery, because there is none.

I hear these parents saying, "Well we don't know what happened, we raised him right and he just chose to be a drug addict. This is BS people!!!

I don't beleive any child sits around and says"I want to be a drug addict when i grow up." I know this because that is certainly not the life i had dreamed of as a child, and would be willing to bet that other addicts feel the same way.

Addiction is the symptom, not the core issue, of something much greater. When i hear these parents say, "Well, it's their choice." It infuriates me! To me that is like saying someone chooses to have cancer, or diabetes, heart disease, etc. Addiction is a disease, i did not CHOOSE this for myself!

Another thing i have heard several times is that the addict just needs to learn to say no! Well, isn't that a brilliant idea?!! I can't beleive someone didn't think of this earlier! Come on people!! Don't you think if it was just a simple matter of being able to say no that the majority of all addicts would get clean and stay clean?!

I have been soooo dope sick, trying to have the "will power" to get and stay clean, trying with every morsel of my being to not do another shot of dope because i know it will only make me sicker, yet, as i sit there sobbing heavily with a needle in my arm, i also know that it is the only thing that will make me well. Don't you dare tell me that i have chosen this!!

Only now after 20 years of addiction have i gotten the correct information i need to start making real and long lasting changes. All the times i have tried getting clean before, i have not had proper information so therefore have continued to relapse. I like to describe it as trying to get to California with a road map to Kentucky, no matter how hard, or how many times you try, you will never get there. But once you get the correct map, you can begin your journey and reach your destination.

Food for thought:

You cannot stay clean in the same enviornment you stayed high.

Addiction is a family disease, if the addict gets help and the family does not, chances are the addict WILL relapse when put back in the same enviornment. The addict alone is not the entire problem, quit putting all the blame for everyones misery on the addict, and take a long, hard look in the mirror.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Memories of my lover

Twenty years of being a drug addict, i have said it a million times, but i think i am finally starting to realize what a huge deal it is and how much is involved in that big of an addiction. I have almost ninety days clean, (minus a brief 24 hour relapse) and my mind is constantly having flashes of all of the fun, crazy, good times i had. It amazes me how my addiction only wants me to remember the good times, which, of course, were much fewer and farther between in the past few years. My addiction wants me back so desperately that it deceives me into thinking it is wonderful, fun, and exciting. It does not want me to remember all the days i laid in my bed writhing in pain, vomitting, sweating and incapable of doing anything because i was so dope sick! I sometimes wonder if i will ever stop mourning the loss of my full time companion and lover that i had for twenty years? It is by far the longest relationship i have ever had, and it was always there for me in times of need. It has left me with nothing but sadness, regret, remorse, lost dreams, shame, and guilt. And now, i alone, without my faithful companion and lover, must face a world of complete unknown, feeling naked and exposed, and knowing when people look at me, they must be able to see what a broken mess i am. I wonder if i will have any more moments of excitement or happiness in my life, or if those things may never return for me? I guess only time will tell, and for now, i can replay the memories in my mind.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Round Two

Well, I fucked up! Relapse is a bitch! I went back to Oklahoma for my friends birthday, everything started out great, but as the days progressed, things fell apart. Against the advice of everyone that truly cares about me, i went on my first outing alone, and back into familiar territory, which is obviously not a good place for me to be. I was staying with my friend and his parents, and by the beginning of the first day, i started to realize how truly dysfunctioal these people are. My friend is also a fellow addict, so we have alot in common. I really tried to use all of my newly learned skills on how to not let other people affect my emotions, but i obviously need more practice in that area! I realized how secretive these people are, and we all know that you are only as sick as your secrets, and these people have alot of secrets! Anyway, i was in the bedroom one day, going through my daily routine of getting ready, and i noticed a dresser drawer that was ajar with some papers hanging out of it, the addict in me completley took over and i walked over to open the drawer to investigate, and there were two bottles of oxycodone. Before i even knew what had happened, i had already swallowed several. So there went the almost 60 days of clean time i had. I told myself at that point that i was not going to take anymore, but i knew i would not be able to resist taking the rest of them as long as i knew they were still there to be had. So as i am sitting in the middle of an NA meeting, someone comes in and tells my friend and i that we are needed outside, it never crossed my mind at that point what was about to happen. We walk outside to see his father standing there questioning us about who took the pills, so i confesssed, right there on the spot, and in total humiliation and embarrassment, got into the vehicle with him, and headed to the house. He started questioning where i had stashed the pills, i quickly informed him that there was no stashing involved, i had already taken all of them. He refused to beleive that i could have almost 60 clean, and not be on my death bed after taking that many pills! This man claims to know everything about addiction, which if that were the case, he would know that an addict picks up right where they left off when they relepse. Anyway, after much humiliation and bag searching, i went to sleep, and woke up the next morning wishing i was dead! I had a flippin hangover from HELL! So, they allowed me to stay at their house until i felt well enough to drive back to New Mexico. I had every intention when i got up the next morning to call home and tell my family what had happened, and face the consequenses, but to my surprise, they had already received several e-mails from these people, letting everyone know what happened, before i even had a chance to let them know. My friend, who at the time, had 23 days clean, and has been to rehab on four seperate occassions, proceeded to tell me exactly what i needed to do if i wanted to stay clean, REALLY?!! And of course, his parents follwed suit. I could literally see the excitement in his face when this all happened, because he was so glad all the negative attention that had been on him, was now turned on me. I take full responsibility for my actions, but these people who knowingly have two addicts under their roof, and have medicine like that so easily accessible, i think they need to assume a little responsibility as well. But in a million years, they were never see that side of it, only that i am a crazy, theifing, drug addict. And unfortunately, there is nothing i can do about that, the only thing i can do is learn from this mistake, pick myself up, and start again. I am just thankful it was only a 24 hour relapse instead of a several week or month relapse, from which i may have never recovered. Today i will choose to be thankful for this blessing in disguise.

Monday, February 22, 2010


I have almost sixty days clean from a 20 year addiction, and i am completly overwhelmed. I am learning so much everyday and getting so much information that i never realized i didn't have. There are so many levels of fuckedupedness that i didn't even realize where there! I have known pretty much my entire adult life that there were major issues, abuse, and dysfunction in my family, and that all of these things have an impact on who i am today, but i had no idea to what extent all of these things truly molded me to become exactly who i am today. A scared, untrusting, drug addicted, damaged little girl, who has been standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming, for someone to hear me, help me, take care of me, let me know its ok, but my cries for help have gone unnoticed. I had NO choice but to become exactly what i am today! And with all of the new and wonderful information i am continuing to get daily, i know that these thoughts and behaviors can be changed, but it is not going to be a quick fix, i will have to work daily on repairing these damages for the rest of my life. I have explained it as basically, being reborn, i have to start from scratch and literally reprogram myself to the exact oppisite of everyhting i have ever benn told and everything i have been taught. The beginning of this process is so overwhelming for so many reasons, but mostly because i have truly beleived the people in my life who say they love me and say they have done nothing but try to help me, and they want me to be happy and be clean, these are the same people who want me to stay an addict and a victim so that they have someone to blame and point fingers at so that they don't have to look in the mirror and realize that their finger is pointing right back at them! The same people who want me to get clean are the same people who want me to stay addicted. It is such a sad realization, but, it is a fact, and now that i have acknowleged it, i can begin to heal.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

under construction

this blog is currently under construction