Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Well, I fucked up! Relapse is a bitch! I went back to Oklahoma for my friends birthday, everything started out great, but as the days progressed, things fell apart. Against the advice of everyone that truly cares about me, i went on my first outing alone, and back into familiar territory, which is obviously not a good place for me to be. I was staying with my friend and his parents, and by the beginning of the first day, i started to realize how truly dysfunctioal these people are. My friend is also a fellow addict, so we have alot in common. I really tried to use all of my newly learned skills on how to not let other people affect my emotions, but i obviously need more practice in that area! I realized how secretive these people are, and we all know that you are only as sick as your secrets, and these people have alot of secrets! Anyway, i was in the bedroom one day, going through my daily routine of getting ready, and i noticed a dresser drawer that was ajar with some papers hanging out of it, the addict in me completley took over and i walked over to open the drawer to investigate, and there were two bottles of oxycodone. Before i even knew what had happened, i had already swallowed several. So there went the almost 60 days of clean time i had. I told myself at that point that i was not going to take anymore, but i knew i would not be able to resist taking the rest of them as long as i knew they were still there to be had. So as i am sitting in the middle of an NA meeting, someone comes in and tells my friend and i that we are needed outside, it never crossed my mind at that point what was about to happen. We walk outside to see his father standing there questioning us about who took the pills, so i confesssed, right there on the spot, and in total humiliation and embarrassment, got into the vehicle with him, and headed to the house. He started questioning where i had stashed the pills, i quickly informed him that there was no stashing involved, i had already taken all of them. He refused to beleive that i could have almost 60 clean, and not be on my death bed after taking that many pills! This man claims to know everything about addiction, which if that were the case, he would know that an addict picks up right where they left off when they relepse. Anyway, after much humiliation and bag searching, i went to sleep, and woke up the next morning wishing i was dead! I had a flippin hangover from HELL! So, they allowed me to stay at their house until i felt well enough to drive back to New Mexico. I had every intention when i got up the next morning to call home and tell my family what had happened, and face the consequenses, but to my surprise, they had already received several e-mails from these people, letting everyone know what happened, before i even had a chance to let them know. My friend, who at the time, had 23 days clean, and has been to rehab on four seperate occassions, proceeded to tell me exactly what i needed to do if i wanted to stay clean, REALLY?!! And of course, his parents follwed suit. I could literally see the excitement in his face when this all happened, because he was so glad all the negative attention that had been on him, was now turned on me. I take full responsibility for my actions, but these people who knowingly have two addicts under their roof, and have medicine like that so easily accessible, i think they need to assume a little responsibility as well. But in a million years, they were never see that side of it, only that i am a crazy, theifing, drug addict. And unfortunately, there is nothing i can do about that, the only thing i can do is learn from this mistake, pick myself up, and start again. I am just thankful it was only a 24 hour relapse instead of a several week or month relapse, from which i may have never recovered. Today i will choose to be thankful for this blessing in disguise.