Thursday, June 24, 2010

Baby sister had it easy

What i can't figure and all of my sisters, we all came from the same mother and father, we were all raised together, we all endured horrible abuse in many different forms. I personally would think, that all of us would have great sympathy for one another and would want to bond together to try to heal from our upbringing. So...what i can't figure out, why, as adults, have some of us become so hateful, catty, and malicious toward one another? I would think, since we all had to go through it as children, that as adults, that it would bring us closer together, and instead, it has driven all of us further apart. And the ones of us that fight the hardest to "get well", are the ones of us that are considered "crazy" by the rest of the family.

I have never been in denial about how f***** up i am, or how f***** up our family was growing up. I have always been truthful when it came to admitting my faults, weaknesses, etc. And yet, i am the main one that the others point their fingers at as "the troubled one".

So many things have happened over the years that have made me feel like i was losing my mind. I believe now, that the reason i felt that way most of the time, was because i knew, deep down inside, that what people were telling me to be the truth, and what the truth actually was, were very different from one another. And even though the people who "love" me were telling me how concerned they were for me, how much they loved me, and how much they wanted to help, their actions, were those of enemies. So i continued to feel crazy, because their actions and their words, never matched.

I am now learning that if someone truly loves you, you will feel loved, not disguist, betrayal, worthlessness, guilt or shame, but real love. I have always equated love with pain, but the truth is, love is unconditional, kind, forgiving, trusting, and beautiful, it is not pain.

One of my sisters mentioned one time, that since i was the baby in the family, that i had it easier than the rest of my sisters. That could not be further from the truth!

I was the only one left at home with my mother and father, after the rest of my sisters had moved out. That meant, there were no longer several of us to take the abuse out on, just me. I was the one who knew at the age of 11, that my father had a girlfriend, and was cheating on my mother. I knew this would crush my mother if she ever found out, so the 11 year old little girl, carried that with her, all day, every day.

I was the one there when the fight between mother and father got so heated, that with his bare fist, he punched the picture of Jesus hanging on the wall, shattered the glass everywhere, an said, "F*** Jesus Christ"! Then proceeded to take out, and load his 30/30 rifle, while my mother and i frantically tried to escape to the car. He then, came running out after us and proceeded to try to bust the car windows out with his boots and rifle before we could get away.

I was the one who was there the day my mother found out about the girlfriend, and loaded me up in the car with her to go to the local bar to confirm her suspicions, and she certainly did, she came out of the bar sobbing uncontrollably, i was there.

I was the one who was there when after a wonderful week of my mother and i staying with some of her friends, she took my father back, in beliefs that he had somehow magically changed in the past 7 days.

I was there the day she came in to wake me up for school, and instead, had me pack all of my clothes and stuffed animals into black garbage bags, so we could load up the car and drive back to Oklahoma, she had finally had enough.

I was there the day she got the phone call, about one week after we left my father. The call came from my grandmothers pastor, that my father had blown his girlfriends head off with his 30/30 rifle, and was going to prison for a very long time. As a matter of fact, i'm the one that answered the phone when that call came.

No one knew what was going on there when it was just the 3 of us, all of you had already escaped, and were living your own lives. No one will ever know the things i saw, and the things i endured, being the only child left at home.

So, tell me sister, do you still believe i had it easy?


  1. I'm sorry you went through all of that, ((hugs)) I think what you're looking for from your sister is validation. I hope one day you can get this. Take care. x

  2. DEar summer,

    I am sorry from the very bottom of my heart. If I could go back in time and save you, I would. I was so busy trying to save myself from drowning in the mess that was my own inheritance.

    I am sorry that your mother did not love and protect you like she should have. I am sorry you had to carry their secrets on your tiny little shoulders. I am sorry they did not love you like parents should. I know you have always believed they did not love you because you were unlovable, but that is a lie. You are so very loveable. You are compassionate, kind, smart, funny, loving, honest, sincere, dependable, and trustworthy. You have more grit and determination than anyone I have ever met. They did not love you, because they had no idea what love was, they had never seen it in practice, and were incapable of it, on any level.

    Our brains operate on logic. When we have to constantly over ride logic, in order to justify a world in which words and actions do not match, it quite literally makes us sick and insane. iT short circuits our thinking processes, our reasoning abililties, and distorts the way we see everything. We have no choices in such a world. We are asked to choose between shit and shit, insanity and insanity, so no matter what we choose, it cannot possibly turn out well for us.

    I am amazed and astonished at you every single day. You have such a genuinely sweet spirit.

    I have to go to work. I love you.