Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Memories of my lover
Twenty years of being a drug addict, i have said it a million times, but i think i am finally starting to realize what a huge deal it is and how much is involved in that big of an addiction. I have almost ninety days clean, (minus a brief 24 hour relapse) and my mind is constantly having flashes of all of the fun, crazy, good times i had. It amazes me how my addiction only wants me to remember the good times, which, of course, were much fewer and farther between in the past few years. My addiction wants me back so desperately that it deceives me into thinking it is wonderful, fun, and exciting. It does not want me to remember all the days i laid in my bed writhing in pain, vomitting, sweating and incapable of doing anything because i was so dope sick! I sometimes wonder if i will ever stop mourning the loss of my full time companion and lover that i had for twenty years? It is by far the longest relationship i have ever had, and it was always there for me in times of need. It has left me with nothing but sadness, regret, remorse, lost dreams, shame, and guilt. And now, i alone, without my faithful companion and lover, must face a world of complete unknown, feeling naked and exposed, and knowing when people look at me, they must be able to see what a broken mess i am. I wonder if i will have any more moments of excitement or happiness in my life, or if those things may never return for me? I guess only time will tell, and for now, i can replay the memories in my mind.