Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Memories of my lover

Twenty years of being a drug addict, i have said it a million times, but i think i am finally starting to realize what a huge deal it is and how much is involved in that big of an addiction. I have almost ninety days clean, (minus a brief 24 hour relapse) and my mind is constantly having flashes of all of the fun, crazy, good times i had. It amazes me how my addiction only wants me to remember the good times, which, of course, were much fewer and farther between in the past few years. My addiction wants me back so desperately that it deceives me into thinking it is wonderful, fun, and exciting. It does not want me to remember all the days i laid in my bed writhing in pain, vomitting, sweating and incapable of doing anything because i was so dope sick! I sometimes wonder if i will ever stop mourning the loss of my full time companion and lover that i had for twenty years? It is by far the longest relationship i have ever had, and it was always there for me in times of need. It has left me with nothing but sadness, regret, remorse, lost dreams, shame, and guilt. And now, i alone, without my faithful companion and lover, must face a world of complete unknown, feeling naked and exposed, and knowing when people look at me, they must be able to see what a broken mess i am. I wonder if i will have any more moments of excitement or happiness in my life, or if those things may never return for me? I guess only time will tell, and for now, i can replay the memories in my mind.


  1. Very poignant. Abusive lovers are all the same. I have one that still emails,18 years later, and says "remember all the good times baby?".

    Sure we had some good times, but they came with the price of some really, really, bad times.

    There are good times to be had, without a price.

    They are precious, and you will find them.

    Good times with no regrets, no penalty, no fear, no price.

    We all have to mourn our lost lovers. It is a step that cannot be skipped over. Unfortunately, even when they are abusive, we still have to mourn them.

    So cry, scream, and pound the pillow.

    I know you can't see it now, but you are going to have the best times of your life, very soon, and they won't involve an abusive lover.

    I can't really say anything that will help. You are doing an awesome job. I cannot believe how strong and determined and just flat out brave you are.

    Things are getting better every day. You will find your way. YOu will know a greater happiness than you have even imagined exists.

    love tonjia

  2. If you look back, there was im sure a time that there was no way you would be this honest about your drug abuse--i mean, thousands of people have access to this. that is so many people who can look out for you. the ones that "follow" you, as blogger terms go, are the ones that want you to succeed. this is an amazing thing for you to be sharing, and now you will have so many more people on your side. people who will get immense joy from reading about your success. i wish you the best of luck with this!

  3. My son has 7 months clean. I hope that he, and you, can stay that way. Hearing you describe it as your lover hits home because my "addiction" has always been men and its not easy to walk away when your life revolves around something. I think you will do it this time. You're sister and you are both amazing women. I'm glad to be able to read your blog. Don't give up on yourself.

  4. Hi, I'm probably not the best person to be offering advice as I've been struggling with my own addictions for the best part of 25 years but support I can offer. The feeling of losing your closest friend is a deceiving one, and one that has taken me back time and again. My first attempt at recovery lasted about a month almost 15 years ago now, and had me sobbing on my bathroom floor within the first 48 hours. I've currently been without alcohol and other drugs for more than 3 months now. Being clean does get easier, well it has for me as I've traded my drug days for quiet contemplation, (Unbelievable that yes I actually enjoy this vague past time, and this new stage I am now on / in)and the life I have now, instead of some of the fucked up existences I've had in the past I wouldn't trade for quid's. Keep the strength:)