Thursday, June 24, 2010

Baby sister had it easy

What i can't figure and all of my sisters, we all came from the same mother and father, we were all raised together, we all endured horrible abuse in many different forms. I personally would think, that all of us would have great sympathy for one another and would want to bond together to try to heal from our upbringing. So...what i can't figure out, why, as adults, have some of us become so hateful, catty, and malicious toward one another? I would think, since we all had to go through it as children, that as adults, that it would bring us closer together, and instead, it has driven all of us further apart. And the ones of us that fight the hardest to "get well", are the ones of us that are considered "crazy" by the rest of the family.

I have never been in denial about how f***** up i am, or how f***** up our family was growing up. I have always been truthful when it came to admitting my faults, weaknesses, etc. And yet, i am the main one that the others point their fingers at as "the troubled one".

So many things have happened over the years that have made me feel like i was losing my mind. I believe now, that the reason i felt that way most of the time, was because i knew, deep down inside, that what people were telling me to be the truth, and what the truth actually was, were very different from one another. And even though the people who "love" me were telling me how concerned they were for me, how much they loved me, and how much they wanted to help, their actions, were those of enemies. So i continued to feel crazy, because their actions and their words, never matched.

I am now learning that if someone truly loves you, you will feel loved, not disguist, betrayal, worthlessness, guilt or shame, but real love. I have always equated love with pain, but the truth is, love is unconditional, kind, forgiving, trusting, and beautiful, it is not pain.

One of my sisters mentioned one time, that since i was the baby in the family, that i had it easier than the rest of my sisters. That could not be further from the truth!

I was the only one left at home with my mother and father, after the rest of my sisters had moved out. That meant, there were no longer several of us to take the abuse out on, just me. I was the one who knew at the age of 11, that my father had a girlfriend, and was cheating on my mother. I knew this would crush my mother if she ever found out, so the 11 year old little girl, carried that with her, all day, every day.

I was the one there when the fight between mother and father got so heated, that with his bare fist, he punched the picture of Jesus hanging on the wall, shattered the glass everywhere, an said, "F*** Jesus Christ"! Then proceeded to take out, and load his 30/30 rifle, while my mother and i frantically tried to escape to the car. He then, came running out after us and proceeded to try to bust the car windows out with his boots and rifle before we could get away.

I was the one who was there the day my mother found out about the girlfriend, and loaded me up in the car with her to go to the local bar to confirm her suspicions, and she certainly did, she came out of the bar sobbing uncontrollably, i was there.

I was the one who was there when after a wonderful week of my mother and i staying with some of her friends, she took my father back, in beliefs that he had somehow magically changed in the past 7 days.

I was there the day she came in to wake me up for school, and instead, had me pack all of my clothes and stuffed animals into black garbage bags, so we could load up the car and drive back to Oklahoma, she had finally had enough.

I was there the day she got the phone call, about one week after we left my father. The call came from my grandmothers pastor, that my father had blown his girlfriends head off with his 30/30 rifle, and was going to prison for a very long time. As a matter of fact, i'm the one that answered the phone when that call came.

No one knew what was going on there when it was just the 3 of us, all of you had already escaped, and were living your own lives. No one will ever know the things i saw, and the things i endured, being the only child left at home.

So, tell me sister, do you still believe i had it easy?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

It's been awhile's been awhile since i have been on here, but i thought it was about time to get back on here.

So...i have almost six months clean, UNBELIEVABLE!! The longer i am clean, the more i realize how much my family hates the fact that i am succeeding, and wants me to fail miserably.

Since i left Oklahoma in January, the only member of my family that i have stayed in contact with is my mother, and of course, being the dysfunctional family that we are, i hear through her what is going on with my other family members. mother calls me last week to "remind" me that it is one of my sisters birthdays, and says my sister is going through a really hard time right now so i should call and tell her happy birthday. So, i ask her what kind of problems my sister is having and she says, "Well, she went to Phoenix to babysit for your other sister while her and her husband go on vacation, and she said the kids are just horrible and spoiled and they don't listen to a word she says, and she's there without her husband and daughter on her birthday, and to top it all off, she forgot to take her xanax with her, so you should really call and give her some support, she really needs it right now." Really?!! Are you freakin kidding me?! (Let me give you a tid bit of history here, and this might make more sense.) So...this particular sister has taken on the martyr roll in the family, always doing things and volunteering for things that she does not want to do, and absolutely hates, so that for the next 20 years, she can complain about it, and remind everyone how she always does everything for everybody, and no one ever appreciates her. The past several years she has gone out to Phoneix to babysit these same children, and every time she comes back and says, "Oh my God, those children are horrible, they are little monsters, i about had a nervous breakdown, and i will never do that again." Then next year rolls around, and she happily and willingly volenteers. This year when she agreed, she knew it was going to be the week of her birthday, she knew the rest of her family would not be there, and she knew that these kids are from hell, then she forgets to pack her xanax!! Boo freakin hoo!! How is this even remotely my freakin problem?!! The entire situation she was in was completely brought on by her, knowingly, and willingly, so she could say poor me, look how miserable i am because i'm such a good sister. When my mother told me this my jaw literally dropped, i could not believe she honestly thought this was a crisis situation! Who the hell was callin me, and giving me words of support and encouragment, as i'm trying to recover from 20 years of drug adiction, as i packed up my entire life and left everything and everyone i've ever known to try and start a new life?! Have i received on encouraging or positive call from these people, who call themselves my family, and say that they love me? HELL NO! But, God forbid my sister forgets her xanax on her birthday, so i need to call and support her??!!! Give me a F***** break!! Then, to top it all off, my mother calls me again the next day and says, "Did you call your sister for her birthday?" Of course, i said no, and she said, "Well, i didn't figure you would."

I guess the moral to this story is...the healthier i get, and the longer i am away from these people, the more i realize how truly sick they are. My mother continues to disrespect me and treat me like a child, and a drug addict, this is the very reason i could never stay clean around her, she treated me like a child and an addict, so that's what i was, and would never be anything more. Now that i am being treated like an equal human being, with rights, being trusted, being loved, and encouraged, i am becoming a trustworthy, loving, responsible adult. But it doesn't matter if i had ten years clean, that part of my family, will always treat me as they have my entire life, and they are all just on the edge of thier seats, waiting for me to screw up so they can feel "normal" again.

So sad that the people who are supposed to love you are the very people who wantyou to fail, so they can feel better about themselves.