Monday, February 22, 2010
I have almost sixty days clean from a 20 year addiction, and i am completly overwhelmed. I am learning so much everyday and getting so much information that i never realized i didn't have. There are so many levels of fuckedupedness that i didn't even realize where there! I have known pretty much my entire adult life that there were major issues, abuse, and dysfunction in my family, and that all of these things have an impact on who i am today, but i had no idea to what extent all of these things truly molded me to become exactly who i am today. A scared, untrusting, drug addicted, damaged little girl, who has been standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming, for someone to hear me, help me, take care of me, let me know its ok, but my cries for help have gone unnoticed. I had NO choice but to become exactly what i am today! And with all of the new and wonderful information i am continuing to get daily, i know that these thoughts and behaviors can be changed, but it is not going to be a quick fix, i will have to work daily on repairing these damages for the rest of my life. I have explained it as basically, being reborn, i have to start from scratch and literally reprogram myself to the exact oppisite of everyhting i have ever benn told and everything i have been taught. The beginning of this process is so overwhelming for so many reasons, but mostly because i have truly beleived the people in my life who say they love me and say they have done nothing but try to help me, and they want me to be happy and be clean, these are the same people who want me to stay an addict and a victim so that they have someone to blame and point fingers at so that they don't have to look in the mirror and realize that their finger is pointing right back at them! The same people who want me to get clean are the same people who want me to stay addicted. It is such a sad realization, but, it is a fact, and now that i have acknowleged it, i can begin to heal.