Tuesday, June 22, 2010

It's been awhile

Well...it's been awhile since i have been on here, but i thought it was about time to get back on here.

So...i have almost six months clean, UNBELIEVABLE!! The longer i am clean, the more i realize how much my family hates the fact that i am succeeding, and wants me to fail miserably.

Since i left Oklahoma in January, the only member of my family that i have stayed in contact with is my mother, and of course, being the dysfunctional family that we are, i hear through her what is going on with my other family members. So...my mother calls me last week to "remind" me that it is one of my sisters birthdays, and says my sister is going through a really hard time right now so i should call and tell her happy birthday. So, i ask her what kind of problems my sister is having and she says, "Well, she went to Phoenix to babysit for your other sister while her and her husband go on vacation, and she said the kids are just horrible and spoiled and they don't listen to a word she says, and she's there without her husband and daughter on her birthday, and to top it all off, she forgot to take her xanax with her, so you should really call and give her some support, she really needs it right now." Really?!! Are you freakin kidding me?! (Let me give you a tid bit of history here, and this might make more sense.) So...this particular sister has taken on the martyr roll in the family, always doing things and volunteering for things that she does not want to do, and absolutely hates, so that for the next 20 years, she can complain about it, and remind everyone how she always does everything for everybody, and no one ever appreciates her. The past several years she has gone out to Phoneix to babysit these same children, and every time she comes back and says, "Oh my God, those children are horrible, they are little monsters, i about had a nervous breakdown, and i will never do that again." Then next year rolls around, and she happily and willingly volenteers. This year when she agreed, she knew it was going to be the week of her birthday, she knew the rest of her family would not be there, and she knew that these kids are from hell, then she forgets to pack her xanax!! Boo freakin hoo!! How is this even remotely my freakin problem?!! The entire situation she was in was completely brought on by her, knowingly, and willingly, so she could say poor me, look how miserable i am because i'm such a good sister. When my mother told me this my jaw literally dropped, i could not believe she honestly thought this was a crisis situation! Who the hell was callin me, and giving me words of support and encouragment, as i'm trying to recover from 20 years of drug adiction, as i packed up my entire life and left everything and everyone i've ever known to try and start a new life?! Have i received on encouraging or positive call from these people, who call themselves my family, and say that they love me? HELL NO! But, God forbid my sister forgets her xanax on her birthday, so i need to call and support her??!!! Give me a F***** break!! Then, to top it all off, my mother calls me again the next day and says, "Did you call your sister for her birthday?" Of course, i said no, and she said, "Well, i didn't figure you would."

I guess the moral to this story is...the healthier i get, and the longer i am away from these people, the more i realize how truly sick they are. My mother continues to disrespect me and treat me like a child, and a drug addict, this is the very reason i could never stay clean around her, she treated me like a child and an addict, so that's what i was, and would never be anything more. Now that i am being treated like an equal human being, with rights, being trusted, being loved, and encouraged, i am becoming a trustworthy, loving, responsible adult. But it doesn't matter if i had ten years clean, that part of my family, will always treat me as they have my entire life, and they are all just on the edge of thier seats, waiting for me to screw up so they can feel "normal" again.

So sad that the people who are supposed to love you are the very people who wantyou to fail, so they can feel better about themselves.


  1. i cried!
    I have missed your words truely!

    Take care xxxxxx so proud of you :D

  2. Thank you so much! That really does mean alot to me!

  3. I am glad to see you blogging! Great stuff.

    Love tonjia