I don't get the whole "kool-aid" comment that someone left on my last blog. The reason i can say all of the things i do with 100% certainty, is because i have lived it for thirty four years. There is no book, manual,etc. that these things come from. I beleive my life experience is much more valid and certain than anything i could ever read or be taught.
I am also hearing people saying that they know addicts who come from loving, non-abusive homes. That just does not hapen people!! Addiction does not happen in a vaccum. Though it may not be blatant abuse, as mine was, it is still abuse. Just because you don't have a black eye or a broken arm, does not mean it is not abuse. But, i also understand that not every child who was abused grows up to be an addict. I am the youngest of five girls and i am the only drug addict, but i have one sister who is a religious fanatic, one who is a control freak and alcoholic, one who is so far in denial about anything and everything, that she has no idea who she is, and one sister who has had it just as bad as the rest of us, but for years has saught out the truth and asked questions and is doing everything in her power to heal, and she has done a hell of a good job! My point in all of this is that abuse manifests itself in many different forms, but since the addict in the family is the one with the most visible signs of abuse, everyone can point their fingers at them, as if they are the families main problem.
I took a class called "Life Skills" a little over a month ago, and one of the things we were taught is that there are 21 different kinds of abuse, and we as a society are used to being so dysfunctional and abusive, that more than half of these, an average person would not even recognize it as such. I think that most people truly beleive that if its not blatant physical, verbal or emotional or sexual abuse, that they come from a good loving family, and that is just not the case.
If anyone out there would like to see a copy of the 21 different kinds of abuse, and their definitions, i would love to share them, because i know it was certainly eye opening for me.
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I'm trying to understand the point you're making since I disagree and think that addicts can come from loving supportive families, are you saying that there is no such thing? That all families have some sort of abuse in them even if its not obvious abuse?
ReplyDeleteI think you're right, some families do point their finger at the addict as the "problem" but not all families do that. I've met a lot of families who are very aware that the addict has a problem, but is not the problem. Unfortunately when an addict is in a family it does affect everyone else around them if they realize it or not.
I am not taking sides, I love my son, I have compassion for every addict I know, but I can't take the blame for him becoming an addict because of the way I raised him. I am not a perfect mother, but there is no such thing as a perfect family.
I'd like to see the list of 21 abuses.
I trust you will continue to blog your reality, no matter who negates, denies, discounts, or minimizes it.
ReplyDeleteI do understand, now, why there are so precious few blogs by addicts, to be found. Apparently, their reality is instantly denied, negated, and discounted, which is what parents of addicts seem to do best.
I have read many of their blogs, and have found a handful who seem sincere.
I tend to agree with you, that no addict comes from a loving caring home.
The world was completely blindsided, and stunned and amazed to find out our Dad was an abuser. In public he was incessantly charming, funny, helpful, magnanimous, generous,and self effacing. It was only at home, behind closed doors, to those nearest him, that he became a monster. Everyone else thought he was wonderful. But that dualism of character, that divided nature, sometimes called hypocrisy, is one of the hallmark characteristics of abusers, and the very thing that creates the ILLUSION of a good, loving, caring home. But it is only an illusion, a facade, a lie, that hides and protects the abuser from public scrutiny, so he can continue to abuse.
I can remember the hopelessness and helplessness of someone telling me how wonderful my parents were, and how lucky I was to have them. (Mrs. Hubble told me that, I remember it to this day. I was 18)
We WERE the perfect ILLUSION of the loving caring normal family. But nothing could be further from the truth.
When you get the chance, read "Willpower is not enough". It talks about how the Standard American Parenting program, accepted nationwide, is abusive in nature, and has produced a nation of addicts. It's really quite brilliant.
I don't know what else we can expect from a culture who practices routine genital mutilation (circumcision), other than brutality and indifference towards children.
I also had this super cool thought, while I was reading about the dualistic nature of abusers. It was this: isn't it funny, that when you rebelled against your abusive parents, and chose drugs as your surrogate parent, they had the exact same nature and characteristics of your abusive parents? Dualistic. It can get you high and make you feel good in public, and then it beats the s*** out of you in private. Your addiction mirrored your parenting dysfunction. I just thought that was cool.